fat, crazy and loving it

fat, crazy and loving it

I think I’ve figured out the reason for the so called pregnancy glow. It has to do with the ‘bump’. Ever notice how pregnant women are so insanely cute, strutting their stuff, oblivious to the world around them? It’s because they don’t have to bother about muffin tops, tucking their tummies in or holding their breath in an extremely tight outfit for fear of popping buttons. The bump provides a blanket flab approval.

Then comes the baby. The much awaited exit from the uterus leaves the tummy looking somewhat like a morose shrinking balloon, refusing to burst. (Of course in my scenario I’m not even considering those weirdo supermodel type moms who spring back in shape in a week without even trying. They’re annoying and we don’t like them.) Remnants of the bump remain to torment us for a while. The irony of it all is that what caused us endless joy now gives us nightmares by refusing to go away without a fight. We live in stretchy pants, shudder to shop for new clothes for fear of discovering our new ‘size’ and struggle to deal with the new shape we’ve become- rounder.

It’s hard enough dealing with the changes in our body without having to hear people’s input on it. I can almost feel an inner Hulk in me waiting to explode when I hear comments like, “You’ve really put on haven’t you?” or “Looks like you are still eating for two ha ha.” In my head I imagine a monstrous green version of me yelling and smashing away at them till they’re smithereens.

As you can see I have some serious anger management issues but I will deal with that later. To all the fellow mummies sailing in the same boat , if you have ever been a victim of any form of ridicule of your body, please accept a tight hug from me. Trust me, you are hot in your own spectacular way and you don’t deserve to have anyone tell you otherwise. As a bonus, I will also give you some advice on possible responses to such morons:

1) Sit on them. If possible, crush them into a cutlet and feed them to the dogs.
The world really doesn’t need such negativity.

2) Speak to NASA and arrange a spaceship to kick them off this planet.
They can roam the galaxy in search of fat aliens to lecture.

3) Wear a crown and declare yourself queen of the “I don’t give a shit” empire.
Proceed to banish them from your kingdom.

4) Attach an ejector mechanism to your sofa to shoot yourself off into oblivion,
far far away from such uselessness.

5) Return the favor.
Send word to Azkaban to dispatch some dementors to do some serious soul-sucking.

Feel free to add your ideas on how to handle such trespassers of self-esteem.

Together we can sink that boat.

 

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