I will always be crazy

I will always be crazy

When you were born and bundled into my arms, I looked at your tiny face, fingers and toes and worried that you were underweight. At four months, I sat like a hawk, watching and waiting for the first roll. The milestone app said you were supposed to start rolling at four months- roll dammit! Four months one day, two day, three days, I got restless and did all kinds of stupid shit to motivate you. Four months seven days – you rolled. At six months, we started feeding you solids. You wouldn’t eat and wanted only breast milk. I grated and pureed and mashed and sang songs and played cartoons to shove food down your throat. One and a half spoons at the most before you’d clamp your mouth shut. I spent sleepless nights, scared shitless that you were going to suffer from malnutrition. When you turned one, you started walking and I had my own baby Bambi tottering around. But as jubilant as I was, there was the fear of you falling and cracking you head. I followed you around, my heart stopping every time you stumbled. “Should we get her a helmet?”, I asked your dad? He gave me a look you’ll come to know well when you’re older, something like “Danger- do no not proceed.” At one and a half you started nursery. The parade of colds, coughs and fevers began. I sat with thermometer, cold packs and suppositories. What am I doing wrong..why is this happening.. why did I do such a terrible job with building your immunity? Even when you got better, I’d wait for when you’d fall sick again. No cucumbers, no yogurt, no ice cream- paranoia extreme. Now you’re two and a half. You still fall sick but I’m more prepared. My concerns have escalated from your physiological to social wellbeing- will you make friends? will you cope with bullies? Will you be independent? Will you come and tell me if someone is touching you the wrong way?

I will always find something to worry about. Call it a mother’s habit or reflex or whatever. Somehow keeping calm is not an option.

Just know this – that behind this crazy mom façade lies a bottomless well of love that expects nothing less than the best for you.

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